Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Diary Of A Movie Critic

Noon: Wake up, crack of...

12:05 - Breakfast: Rocket Pop and a Coke Zero

12:15 - Check Showtimes: Gracie starts at 12:15pm. I can make that.

12:30 - Arrive theatre.

12:32 - Get my free small popcorn, because it is Free Small Popcorn Monday. And I do love my Free Small Popcorn Mondays. As I type this I am singing a little ditty I wrote myself called, Free Small Popcorn Mondays... And it goes like this:

I used to be a bill collector
Now I'm getting paid for Free Small Popcorn Mondays
I spent twenty years at a job I hated
Now I'm getting paid for Free Small Popcorn Mondays
If this movie director thing doesn't work out
I really don't give a shit because of Free Small Popcorn Mondays
**big finish**
I wonder what poor people are doing today...
12:34 - Enter theatre. Oh, darn I missed the previews. Now I scope for idiots: Talkers. Guys with girls too pretty for them who will try to be funnier than the movie. Old ladies with hearing aids. Mumblers in raincoats come to see a movie about pre-college girls who play soccer in 70's style shorts...

12:35 - The movie begins. I simultaneously take notes and eat my Free Small Popcorn Monday popcorn. Don't try this at home...

12:36 - Tune out film to begin writing negative review in head. Movie is pre-judged because it's about girls and soccer.
1:45 - Actually watch movie because cellphone battery died but not before beating high score in Tetris. I rule.
1:46 - Smugly realize I was correct about pre-judging movie.

2:12 - Exit theatre. Throw trash in garbage because I can be a decent sort.

2:19 - Arrive McDonald's drive-thru to treat self because I am a working man now. Two double cheeseburgers for two-bucks. And yes, my Two Double Cheeseburgers For Two Bucks ditty is nearly complete... Thanks for asking.

2:24 - Arrive home.

4:05 - Begin writing review. Don't ask me about the time gap. It's need to know...

5:20 - Wash dishes, make bed, pick up stuff wife can never know about used during time gap, brush teeth, jump in shower: All that shit normal people do in the morning...

5:32 - Sit at desk. Continue writing review. Hear wife's keys hit the front door.

5:33 - Implement George Costanza Plan Alpha: Act annoyed and frustrated at desk so wife believes I'm working hard and not enjoying self. You know, like it was a real job.

6:00 - Finish review. Read it over. Reconcile myself to the fact that when someone writes a review like this about Beautiful Loser I'll have it coming...

6:01 - Begin television watching.

11:32 - Bed.

Noon: Wake up, crack of... Get that warm feeling knowing I don't have to work today...


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