Wednesday, January 31, 2007

These Things Went Through My Mind Today...

How can you kill the planet putting into it what you took out of it?

Everything tastes better with cheese. Everything.

Any of my remaining self-respect will be lost the moment I use an emoticon.

The one thing I miss about having a job? The snooze button.

I'm thankful I don't have kids. Otherwise I might have to pretend to care about global warming.

I'm not gonna watch the Oscars. I'm gonna watch "True Grit."

Is it time to eat, yet?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Elvis Movies

I watched five Elvis movies in a row today. Five. Elvis was the King, you know, but his movies were pretty bad. I'll still watch them because watching bad Elvis movies beats working, but they were pretty bad. They were even worse on the new TV because I could see them better. The backdrops were terrible in GI Blues. But Ann-Margaret did look pretty friggin' hot in Viva Las Vegas.

Elvis was actually quite good in Jailhouse Rock. Very natural. It's probably his best film. The songs are good too, unlike a lot of the lame ones that came later like Slicin' Sand in Blue Hawaii.

Elvis was pretty darn cool before the army got him. It's in the army he discovered amphetamines to stay awake and they ruined him. Near the end of his life he'd get so high he'd stay in bed for days just watching TV and eating eskimo pies and cheeseburgers... Actually that's kinda close to what I do.

I saw Elvis live in 1977. He would only do one more appearance before he died on a toilet a few months later at the age of 42. I was only eleven but remember the concert vividly. Elvis looked awful. Sure, he was overweight, but he was also blue. It didn't matter though, it was still Elvis. He rushed through his hits, forgot the lyrics to the songs, told corny jokes, slurred his words, but none of that mattered... He was Elvis. The girls screamed, the flashbulbs flashed, and the air was magnetic.

Anyway Elvis' drug addiction is a cautionary tale and the reason why at the crossroads of my life I chose to be a bill collector instead of a rock star.

Sunday, January 28, 2007


I really like the new TV. So much so that I'd like to start watching more TV. The problem is that right now I watch TV all the time. Do any of you have any ideas? I'd like to start watching TV more than "all the time," and have no idea how to do that.

UPDATE: Gina answers: "The only way I could think of to achieve this would be to have two TVs going simultaneously."

Gina, do you have ANY idea how brilliant that is? Now I know what is was like to be in the room when Einstein first explained all his stuff. Except you did it using words I understood. Granted, I had to sound out simultaneously a few times (next time use: "both at once."), but you solved this problem and any not-enough-TV problems that may arise in the future: If two's not enough I can get a third tv and watch all three both at once!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Bought A New TV Today...

Just got back from Circuit City with our brand spanking new 52 inch baby Panasonic.

Our old 60 inch died yesterday. We had her for 11 years. Sad... We really couldn't afford this new one because I'm unemployed, but it's because I'm unemployed we had to get it. . . I had no TV today. I mean none at all. Imagine a day without TV...? No, really, stop for a second and imagine it... See, what I mean? We had a day without a Mexican here last year, where all the Mexican's stayed home to protest the immigration laws. That was actually kind of cool. I was able to drive to Hollywood in 20 minutes. But a day without TV? I think I've developed a tic. I mean, there is the 19 inch in the bedroom, but 19 inches doesn't really count as a TV, now does it?

What sucks is that we had to get a high-def TV. You can't even buy a regular wide screen anymore. But now regular TV looks like hell on the high-def, which means I have over 2500 hundred movies on DVD that are gonna look like hell.

You say, "YOU HAVE 2500 DVD's? Why do you have 2500 DVD's?" Do you think I wasn't planning ahead about this unemployment thing? Do you think I just became unemployed willy-nilly? Do you think I'd jump into something like that without thinking? Is there something about me that comes off as irresponsible?


Thursday, January 25, 2007

50 Hits A Day!

And I think only twenty are mine.

Methinks it's time to start looking into ads.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Congrats To Lenny Von Dohlen

Lenny Von Dohlen, the star and Guardian Angel of Beautiful Loser just had his latest film "Teeth,"a comedy/horror flick, purchased at Sundance in a joint venture with one of those Weinstein fellas and Lion's Gate.

Here's a great review of the film. Here's the IMDB site.

Tales From The Unemployed Part 43

If the wife's gonna support you, the least you can do is try to look presentable. This is something me and the other job-challenged frequently discuss in our bi-monthly How To Hang On To The Sugar Mama meetings. (At first I missed meetings because I thought bi-monthly was every two months. Damn those public schools.) And in order to be presentable certain rules apply: You grow a beard so she stops complaining about how you haven't shaved. You bathe twice a week (TV don't work up much of a sweat). And if you've forgotten to brush your teeth you make sure not to exhale during the have-a-nice-day-at-work kiss. Though why she expects your teeth to be brushed when you're still in bed is beyond me.

Now, I was in terrific shape when we moved to Hollywood. But it's all kind of withered away; four years of stress and rejection taps tends to sap your will to live, much less any desire to wail on the pecs. But I thought I should start thinking about exercising again after Sugar Mama started referring to my love handles as death grips.* So, I went back to jogging today. Managed a mile in just under an hour. That may not sound impressive but I had to stop twice and vomit. I didn't do any of that girly-stretching first either. I'll try again in June.

*Not an original joke. Source unknown, but he looked like Gary Busey.

Sorry About This...

This comment posted earlier:

I was one of the extras, Stephanie Wadlow. I hope my bus scene doesn't get
cut! haha My friend and I are SO anxious to see this and I can't wait to see
what it looks like! Thank you for allowing me to be in this movie, it was a
blast to work on (and I don't mind winning that Ipod in the raffle either ;)
haha Anyway, thank you again!

Have to break it to you now that we did cut this scene. It was for a number of reasons, none of them having anything to do with Stephanie's amazing ability to hang out a bus window and yell, "Loser!"

1. Pacing: It wasn't a scene that moved the story and it pretty much repeated what we already knew about Reggie -- that he's a bit of a schlub. (And yes, schlub's a word. Look it up.)

2. Continuity: Because we shot out of order, Reggie needed to end in a certain place in the scene we shot after to match where he starts chasing the bus. He wasn't anywhere close, so even if we had wanted to use it it would've been difficult. Plus we'd lost so much light at the end of the earlier scene that when Reggie started chasing the bus we'd have to use a chorus singing, "Aaahhhh..." to explain the sudden burst of sunlight.

3. Tone: That's a pretty broad joke that worked great in the script, but seemed out of place in the film, which slowly became subtler and smarter in the editing room. The movie actually opens now with a chamber music and a British guy in a smoking jacket inroducing, "Tewnightz Shewww..." from a library. It's always a different movie in editing.

Unfortunately we cut the scene from the film so early I forgot all about saving it as a deleted scene. It had been out of mind for months and I didn't even think about it until you brought it up. So, I'm afraid it will all have to remain a good memory, but you still may see yourself in some other shots around the bus.

You did a wonderful job and I appreciated you helping us out. If it makes you feel any better I had to cut my niece out as well.

Welcome to show business.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

This One's For Gina...

If the M&M's aren't in my mailbox by Wednesday, this photo will be deleted.

Try me.
UPDATED with proper photo.
Gina, thought you might like to know that even though I haven't had any contact with John in over a year a friend of mine asked for an autographed photo for his 21 year old nephew who has Down's Syndrome and claims to be John's biggest fan -- though I'm sure you might argue that point -- so, I called John's assistant and had a personalized photo by the end of the week. He's a very nice man who has very nice people working for him.

This One's For Raja

Sorry, Raja, no saucy pics of anyone. Nothing saucy happened on set either. Someone sent me an email asking for all the salacious behind-the scenes anecdotes, but unfortunately I have none. If he'd offered money, I'd have made something up, but not for free.
Nope, except for my own destructive and doomed affair with the script supervisor nothing interesting happened. It was all rather disappointing.
A friend of mine is producing a film with Lindsay Lohan, so I'll try to get some dirt from her. But if you offer me money, I'll make something up.

This One's For Snoopy

And This One's For Me...



Looks like I'm not alone. Which is too bad because my posts were about to get saucy.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Hello Out There.....

I installed a hit counter on this blog last week and it's telling me I'm the only one who reads it. Which is fine because that means I can write whatever I want.

Hopefully this won't happen with the movie. It would be a shame if I was the only one who went to see the movie. Actually, I just remembered I'm not gonna be able to see the movie. I got a thing that day.

Does anyone remember how to post pictures on this site?

Who am I asking?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

My First Real Hollywood Party

Went to my first Hollywood wrap party last night. I had nothing to do with making the movie, just knew someone who did and wrangled me an invite for the experience. You see, I’m much better at wrangling than making a movie. You’ll understand that better after you see “Beautiful Loser.” You’ll watch it and think, “Gee, wish it had been 95 minutes of wrangling instead of that.” I know you'll think this because a lot of people put those very words on the comment cards after test screenings: “Would’ve preferred wrangling.”

Now, if you’ve never been to a Hollywood party let me save you some time and tell you there's really no need to read this because absolutely every cliche you've ever heard about Hollywood parties is true. So, stop reading. You won’t learn anything here. Go on with your life. Really.

The party didn't start till 10:00 p.m. Yeah, and on a school night. But even then I was warned not to get there on time. Anything earlier than an hour late and you're a loser. As a matter of fact, if you get there before 11:00 security guards kick the shit out of you for being such a loser. And don't bother calling the police because showing up at a Hollywood party before 11:00 is illegal in Hollywood and the cops join in kicking the shit out of you.

Now the party’s at this club right off Hollywood Boulevard. And for some reason they got a bunch of streets closed and it’s about ten degrees out here. In other words: Street parking’s an impossibility. That means you have to go valet. And valet parking is nothing more than a scam in the art of having a stranger find a spot for your car on the street that you couldn’t. What do they know you don’t? Where do they put your car? Best not to think about it.

So, me and my 93’ Dodge (Why do I drive a Dodge, you ask? Because that's what Al Bundy drives.) are in the valet line surrounded by Mercedes', Lexus', and Cadillac SUV's. I didn’t see a Prius. I know that thanks to excellent PR people outsiders tend to picture a Hollywood choked with eco-friendly hybrids, but it’s really not. You do see a Prius once in a while but there’s usually a PR guy around with a photographer. Stars like to preach about saving the environment, but until I’m watching the Oscars and see those limo’s unload like carpool clown cars, I’m not buying it.

Anyway, Valet Guy finally gets to me and he's got this thick Russian accent and a sort of a gutteral husky voice. Very creepy near midnight in the rain.

I ask, "How much is parking?"

He says, "How close do you want to be?"

I say, "In case you haven't noticed, I'm driving a Dodge, so, I'm not too hip on the whole valet shakedown thing. What's it gonna cost to get out of here tonight?"

"Well, is normally seven dollar. But you pay what you think fair."

"Is five bucks fair?"

"For five bucks we find nice spot and when you are ready to go home we give you map to your car and bus pass.”

And there went seven bucks.

If you've never been to Hollywood Boulevard, it's an amazing place. By merely crossing a street it can be like stepping into another city; because it's a mixture of ghetto and opulence. This swanky night club I was at is right across the street from this rundown Chinese Food and Donut place that was crowded with the homeless trying to get out of the rain and cold. So, you stand on the red carpet next to rich people dripping in diamonds and right across the street there’s all this horrible abject poverty and you can only think to yourself, “This is so cool! They really got a red carpet!”

But the coolest thing was that I was "on the list." It was my first time being “on the list.” Being “on the list” matters. You don’t go anywhere out here if you’re not “on the list.” Puff Daddy has to be “on the list.” But I checked and he wasn’t; which means that had Puff Daddy tried to get in, he wouldn’t have been able to, when I was. Eat that Puff Daddy.

And it’s just like TV -- and isn’t real life only worth living when it’s just like TV? Anyway, just like on TV, Burly Security Guard asks for your name, you give it, and as he flips pages on a clipboard looking for your name you sweat fearing you’re not “on the list” and may end up across the street at the Chinese Food and Donut place with Puff Daddy. It also didn't help my nerves that a familiar looking Dodge kept zooming back and forth behind me at ninety miles per hour. But then it happened: I. Was. In! And it was in that brief moment of perfect nirvana that I couldn’t help but wonder what poor people were doing right then.

Now came the embarrassing part: Because I haven’t had a job in 18 months, I have what’s called “Jung-Jing disease.” This is a fairly new phenomenon that afflicts the Job-Challenged. What happens is that after months of watching 7 to 8 Law & Order reruns a day, every time you enter a new place you make the same Law & Order jung-jing sound effect they make when they go to a new place. And it doesn’t matter where you go. It can be a grocery store, your garage, church... Right now there’s no known cure for Jung-Jing disease and because of people’s preconceived notions about the Job-Challenged we suffer a terrible prejudice. Myself and some other Job-Challenged have talked about doing something to increase research funding and public awareness of Jung-Jing disease but we just don’t feel like it.

Walking into a Hollywood party was an immediate assault on my senses, and not just because it was two hours past my bed time. The music is so loud you can't hear anything -- which I don’t understand; the whole idea of these parties is to meet and mingle. But you end up shouting at everyone over the music. And it’s so dark you could be shouting at anyone. The first person I shouted at was Steven Spielberg, and do you think Steven Spielberg’s gonna give me a job when the first thing I did was yell at him? And the place was packed. And I mean PACKED. You could barely move. It took me twenty minutes and a $6 Coke just to adjust to the environment. Yeah, that’s right: A six-dollar Coke. I didn’t even get the can. It came in this little plastic cup. And everybody else got a glow stick in their drink. I didn’t even get ice. I was like, “Hey, why no glowstick?” Well, you have to buy the $11.00 drink to get the glowstick. Can you imagine paying $11.00 for a drink? I went back and yelled at Spielberg.

Another true cliche about Hollywood is that all the best looking women are here. All right here. Right close to me. All bundled together in the 8 square miles between Santa Monica and the Hollywood Freeway. I loved going to my last high school reunion, because after a couple years in Hollywood all those girls who wouldn’t go out with me in high school suddenly didn't look like such big losses. Of course, all my high school buddies were curious how I could live in Hollywood with all these desperate hot actresses and remain happily married. Well, that’s because I’m blessed by the fact that none of those desperate hot actresses find me attractive.

Hot actresses were everywhere. And I’m dressed right: Black boots, blue jeans, leather jacket and white t-shirt -- you know, because The Fonz look will never die -- and the girls are ignoring me per the norm. But had I been single and carrying business cards that read “producer,” I’d have done pretty well that night. And some of these girls didn’t seem all that bright. A card that said “prodooser” probably would’ve done just as well.

A few characters showed up. Peace Man was my favorite: Red pants, red boots, blue shirt, a big diamond peace medallion the size of a hubcap around his neck, and a cape. Yes, a cape. And not just any cape; a red cape. A red cape with a big peace sign on it -- because he is after all: Peace Man. And sunglasses; which proved Peace Man does have superpowers, because it was impossible to see in that place normally.

I wanted to ask Peace Man what exactly he does. What is Peace Man’s mission? How does Peace Man spread peace? Does he stop people from fighting? If so, will he use force to stop them from fighting, and if he does is that peaceful? Or, does Peace Man break up fights peacefully by standing around and saying, “Hey, guys... Come on, guys...”

The only person I knew there was one of the film’s producers. A lovely young woman whom I've only met once and talked to a few times. She likes one of my scripts and invited me to the party. But I think I blew it with the air-kiss. You know, that six-inch-from-the-cheek smooch? I wasn’t ready for it. I’d seen it on TV, but didn’t expect it, and by the time I recovered and air smooched back she had already started talking. It was really awkward. I’m not sending scripts to anyone but homely guys from now on.

At first the unbelievably loud music was all pre-recorded. They played a little Culture Club from the 80's. I heard three people say, "Who is this? I need to sign them." Then an up and coming starlet from the film took the stage with her own band. She looked fourteen and wore white cowboy boots, tight shorts, a halter top, and a feather boa. I think I’m getting old because all I wanted to do to her was ground her. How was her music? Well, let’s just say all the "need to sign them" talk stopped immediately.

I don’t think I made it more than an hour before I went home. It was just too much: Too hot, too crowded, and way too loud. They should send captured terrorists to these parties. After two hours they’d spill their guts. But any environment like that really should be a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

Wisdom From The Unemployed Part 26

If you plan your day right and schedule accordingly you can see different variations of Law and Order 7 times a day. On days when it airs primetime: 8!

I'm working on the CSI's next week and will let you know.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


We will eventually have a trailer online for everyone to enjoy. We have an award winning trailer editor and just need to wait for his schedule to clear up and get some music cleared. We're as eager to bring it to you as you are to see it.

Hang in there. Indie films take a while.

NOTE: I have more pictures to post, but can't seem to remember how that feature works. I'll keep trying.

Friday, January 12, 2007

January 12, 2007

That was the first time I wrote "2007." It didn't feel as odd as I expected. 2000 felt odd. 2001 real odd because of the movie. 2010 will feel also odd because of the movie. 2110 will feel the oddest because I will be the oldest person alive -- which I look forward to if I have my health and a working television.

So, how were your holidays? I know I'm late in asking but they did something to this site -- Google got involved -- and my password changed or some such thing and it took me 10 days to track down that password and reapply. But you don't really care, do you? And it's because you don't care that you don't have a trailer. Show me a little love and we'll see what can what be done about a trailer. But no promises.

If you're looking for an update on the movie, I have none. I probably should've mentioned that at the top of the post but you might've stopped reading and I want to be heard.

My holidays were terrific, thanks for asking. I spent them in my pajamas watching movies and eating cookies. And how is this different from any other day, you ask? My wife was home. See, she works full time while I eat cookies in my pajamas and watch movies. It's what you call, marrying up. Yeah, I get up at the crack of noon, and it only gets better from there.

So, the reason for this post is to answer some emails -- which, all kidding aside, I do enjoy receiving -- and hope you'll continue sending. I'm way behind and apologize but blame Google:

Brad writes:

Can't wait for the movie. I'm a big fan of Laura Breckenridge and was wondering what it was like to work with her and what she's doing now. Also, does she have a boyfriend?
Dear Brad,

Laura has a HUGE boyfriend with a mohawk who calls everyone BRUTHAH! As in YOU'RE DEAD, BRUTHAH! His name's Squirmy and we were all terrified of him. In the outtakes, we have footage of Squirmy killing an autograph seeker with a tree. Thank heaven TMZ wasn't there. Squirmy and I only got into it once, but I was able to outrun him. He probably could've caught me but he got winded yelling, THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT, BRUTHAH!

The truth is, I don't answer personal questions. As far as what she's doing now, I wasn't surprised when doing my research for this question that IMDB reports she's working aplenty. Check it out. Laura was a total pro to work with -- juggling her full-time gig on Related and weekends with us -- she was probably exhausted but never let it show in either her good humor on the set or her marvelous performance. We were lucky to get her. No one could've played the role better.

Mindy writes -- Does Adam [Lamberg] have a girlfriend.

Dear Mindy,

No. Adam has a HUGE boyfriend with a mohawk who calls everyone BRUTHAH! As in YOU'RE DEAD, BRUTHAH! His name's Squirmy and we were all terrified of him. In the outtakes, we have footage of Squirmy killing an autograph seeker with a tree. Thank heaven TMZ wasn't there. Squirmy and I only got into it once, but I was able to outrun him. He probably could've caught me but he got winded yelling, THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT, BRUTHAH!

Why all the personal questions? And why not ask me if I have a girlfriend? And why not throw me a bone? Where's the "can't wait to see the movie" opening schmooze? I know no one cares about the movie, but a little grease would be nice.

Mike writes - I've been a fan of Cynthia Gibb's forever and was happy to hear she's doing another movie. How big is her part? How did you cast her? What is she like? I've heard she's very nice and wish her a happy birthday. Her birthday was a few days ago.

Dear Mike,

1. Her part is one of the six leads.
2. We cast her... Actually, I don't remember how that happened. I think our casting director found her. Regardless, it was love at first sight, but it almost remained unrequited because we weren't able to find a high school age girl to play her as a teen. Fortunately, we did at the last minute, and Cynthia hit the ground running and took all the rushing in stride.
3. What's she like? She's cool as hell.
4. I'll pass on the happy birthday. But I'm only doing that because you didn't give off a creepy obsessed know-her-birthday vibe. Had you, you'd be dealing with her boyfriend Squirmy right now.
5. Are you Mike Testin, our DP? Cuz, his name is Mike also. Two Mikes? Not sure I'm buying the coincidence.

I have other emails, but my wife's due home soon and I have to pretend I'm looking for a job.

UPDATE: Good news. My wife won't be home till 3am. She's working a double, which is good because we need the money. Don't get me wrong, I don't like her having to work double shifts because now I have to get my own dinner and wait till 3 am for my back rub. But we have time for one more email before the pizza guy gets here.

Charles asks - I see that Deborah Foreman is in your movie. How did you get her to come out of retirement and could you tell me a little bit about her part?

Dear Charles,

Deborah and our Exec Producer have been friends going back to her "My Chauffeur" days. He had a poster of the film in his office and I commented on what a big fan I was and how cool would it be to have Deborah Foreman in the movie!? So, he called her and she liked the part and did it.

The part is that of a woman who had a relationship with our lead, played by Lenny Von Dohlen, who couldn't commit to her and really hurt her. It's two scenes, and they're heartbreaking. Debbie was terrific.


There's the doorbell. Just hope there's something new on pay-per-view.